Sometimes…

Sometimes you try to do the right things for yourself and they turn out to be the wrong things. Later, you try to make amends for screwing up and you end up in a deeper hole than you were before.

Sometimes change feels impossible.

There are days you have to walk because cannot afford public transportation. You bust your ass trying, and then you realize that the right you tried to make was actually a wrong.

Sometimes you love your job until you can’t get along with a co-worker. Then you suddenly realize how much you wish that you didn’t have a trainee’s job. You realize how mentally unstable you are when your manager won’t even consider you for a promotion because she’s seen you fall apart. Sometimes mental illness is your reward at work.

Sometimes you can’t finish your education because you have no idea what you want to be. By the time you figure it out, your loans are in default and the people in charge of deferring them won’t even pick up the phone to answer your call. Because they’re so busy they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes you can’t say no to going out to lunch with a friend because they look forward to hanging out with you. So you spend the last penny of the money you don’t have. You even pretend like you can afford Uber rides. Other times you say yes to a roommate because it should be your responsibility to help with household supplies and then you end up walking because you had to pay unexpectedly for said household supplies.

Sometimes you have to lie to your parents and pretend like you’re not walking an hour just to get home. You don’t want to annoy them by asking for money because you were insistent on changing your life. Insistent on moving out believing it would change you and help you grow. Instead, you can’t even ask your roommate for a ride because then she will know that you can barely afford rent.

Sometimes you quit drinking, you start working out, you try to make changes, and things still go wrong. Other times you wish you could get your abusive husband back, even though you know you are safer alone. At least he took care of you when he saw you were down. He lied how much he loved you and sometimes it can feel better to be lied to by an abuser than to be alone.

Sometimes you wish you wouldn’t have moved out so you didn’t have to pretend to smile and act like everything was okay. Other days you wish you could just be alone, so you didn’t have to explain the feelings that you had that were so rotten. Eating you up inside so if you had to explain them to someone they would think that it was you who was rotten.

Sometimes you wish you wouldn’t have aborted that baby. You wonder what it would be like to have a child of your own. Except that you know you’d be jealous of her, jealous of the life you would give up to give her a chance at her own life. Especially knowing that no one gave up their life to give you any kind of chance. You would resent her and be unkind, which would make you feel like a shit person. You already feel shitty.

Sometimes, no matter how much you call out for God, it’s like he doesn’t even hear you. Life doesn’t hear you and there is only defeat.

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