I am in my early twenties. They are not going the way I expected. I understand that this is a time of transition and change but honestly, the identity crisis is getting to me. I ask myself who I am every single day. The answer is always I don’t know. I ask myself what I like, who I like, what I’d like to be where I’d like to go. I have no answers for any of these questions.
I think it’s rude of me to not know things that affect my own life. I have to live it, I have to deal with the choices I make. I have to decide how I’d like my life to go but I genuinely have no idea. I don’t have the answers to anything. I hate most things and most people. I know a girl who seems to have her life so in order, so planned. So perfect. I hate her. But not really, I just want to be her, exactly like her. To have the confidence to know what you want and go get it has to be and feel powerful. To know exactly what you are doing, to have it planned out in a sequence. I bet it’s great.
And don’t get me wrong. I know things don’t work out sometimes. I know this state I’m in will only exist for a little while before it changes for the better. Maybe. Possibly. I understand there is no guarantee. And I know I can only see people living perfect lives because I don’t talk to them or know anything about them. Maybe they’ve already lived through this part of their lives. Or maybe they’ll live through it later in life. Or maybe they’ll never go through it at all. I can’t really know about anyone but myself.
And I may not like my life but I really like being alive when I don’t feel like my life is slipping away and when my chest feels heavy every time I realize I don’t like doing anything I do. And I haven’t done anything I absolutely regret so my life is a bit better considering how bad it could possibly get if it wanted to. But this state of feeling frozen and feeling like I’m not growing the way I’d like to is not healthy.
So in summary. I am a human without passion. I’d like to discover it, to feel the sureness of having a way through. But I don’t have that right now. That’s where life’s at. My 22nd birthday is less than four weeks away and I’d really like to be sure of something as I turn 22.
This short story is part of Kenyan Community Stories series. The Story was submitted in March 2022 was submitted by Lynn Nyaera who was turning 22 in March 2022. Lynn is a writer and a student currently pursuing a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology at Kenyatta University.
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